Thursday, December 21st, 2006
|
|
10:25 am - gavin, a universal luxury
|
|
|
Wednesday, December 20th, 2006
|
|
4:13 pm - troy
|
to the happy couple, (troy and Gavin)
I hope you drown holding eachother.
I am keeping the LJ for the friends page.
leave me alone
why arent you mine????? argh!O well.
the lady has made hwer choice.
I hope what goes around truly does come back around I really do.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, December 19th, 2006
|
|
7:09 pm
|
|
|
|
7:07 pm
|
this live journal will self destruct in 24 hours my teliphone number will also be terminated in 24 hours
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
|
|
11:21 am - I lied
|
so here I am posting.
I guess I will keep this thing around for a little while.
Gavin is gone.
thats all she wrote I suposse.
the details really dont matter.
(no I didnt kill him.)
I wanted to at times but thats probably just the BPD and of course all the normal evil, controlling, manipulative, demon that lerks in my wicked heart.
anyway I have devoted enouph time and energy to that so lets move on.
myspace. I want to make mine pretty.
I know im evil, you caught me world. I dont deserve to live but unfortunatly for you we dont live in an age where you could just burn me.
so Gavin got away. Good for him he just might make it.
I would love for him to be happy.
at the same time I would love for him to be crushed in an avalanche.
dont mind me, im just upset because I wasnt the one to crush him.
in fact I seem to have made him better and now he would rather not have the competition.
I understand, im a monster.
Oops I did it again. I created another monster.
O well they usually come around.
well ok thats not true but at least I can rest easy knowing that I dont have to think about it anymore.
next chapter please this ones getting old...
|
|
|
|
Saturday, December 16th, 2006
|
|
3:40 pm - henny penny
|
|
|
Tuesday, December 5th, 2006
|
|
12:18 pm - my final LJ entry, extra toxic love
|
gavin is completly unable to contact me.
several days in a row he has given me times that he said he would call back and he never would.
yesterday I was supposed to call him at 6
I tried at six nine and ekeven, without awnser.
troys phone still goes right to voice mail.
I try to understand but last time I talkted to gavin I said I understood but if he wasnt gonna talk to me he should let me know.
you can do it while your smokin a bowl or hangin out.
but its never convienent he says.
even though he isnt even working he is so busy 24 hours a day that he hasnt the time to talk to me!
I am not hung up on talking to him at this point I have very little faith.
and why shoul;d I? he cant even take time out of his day like he says he will everyday.
OI always have to beg befor I get an inch from gavin.
I dont want to be emotionaly invested in someone who cant ever keep there word.
cant even take the time to be decent enouph to honour a commitment that apparently means the world to him!
I dont get it but mabye thats becaus I am thinking rationaly and Gavin is stuck in the same pattern of behaviour that he has always been in.
he talks about how much better things are but he has yet to be better for me.
I feel like I am the only one trying and why should I?
he cant take 5 minutes to call me why should I try to reach him.
I feel so stupid sometime like I am the only person that hasnt let go.
gavin always proclaims his undying love but he can never keep his word.
I know that he is going through alot and he wants me to understand.
but if your not invested enouph to honour your promice to talk to me when you say you will I give up.
I am tired of fighting for you with you.
I feel so much more sane lately but how things happen between the two of us... how can I hang on to someone who is so disconnected from me?
I cant! and so this will be my final LJ entry ever. sence it has been a medium between gavin and I and he no longer even responds I am spent.
its time for me to invest my emotions in something more healthy.
it hurts to much with gavin. I dont think I wanna try anymore!
I am genneraly ok for the first time in my life and the lesson may very well be that I dont need anybody!
I will always love Gavin but I am not gonna feed myself to him anymore.
goodbye lj you have been more bad than good.
please feel free to follow along if you can find me on MYSPACE!
by kids.
Gavin I love you and I always wil but I need to take my life back.
its not healthy for me to be hung up on you. your not trying I wont either. you are free.
current mood:  calm
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Friday, December 1st, 2006
|
|
1:47 pm - dream land,
|
Gavin and Troy have come and gone.
I enjoyed the visit over all but it seemed there were several very stressfull moments in which I fealt (not at the time mind you)
that I was responsible for.
I fealt as if I were as mentally ill as Gavin had ever been.
but thats not what I remember.
Gavin had probably said the same thing at some point about his own history though.
medication came up.
I have been medicated many times in the past for various reasons but never just depression.
yes I think that I am manic depressive.
I know I am becaus it has greatly affected my life.
especially recently I had been feeling very up and down.
it even caused me to leave my job which was one of many mistakes that I have made as I prepare to move back to new orleans.
Gavin is calling and texting me.
for the past few days I have been giveing myself a regular dose of anti depressents under the supervision of someone whos been giveing people there medication for years.
I am definatly feeling a difference.
I am not smokeing nor would I really want to.
it has only been three days, which is how long it takes to supposedly enter your system but I was feeling different yesterday.
I feel good. I dont really mind anything. I am finding it very hard to get angry or dwell on things.
the best test is of course Gavin himself.
sence it would seem that It was always most unhealthy for us when we were together.
thats sad to me.
"mabye hell like me." is not what I am thinking anymore. actually its more like a "will I like him?" and because I love him I am afraid.
yesterday he kinda blew me off and than said that he would call.
when he didnt I sent him a text saying yeah I can tell your always thinking about me.
it goes to show that he can still hurt me.
thats only becaus I always wanted him to love me.
I am begining to be a little less sure.
some things just dont work.
but I want to see him again.
I want to make sure.
I always thought we were destined to be together.
but I am not sure that either of us believes that anymore.
its not just because he didnt call me its because he only would have called me if I begged all day for it otherwise its not worth remembering.
and that sort of thing just perpetuates my irrational behaviour and madness.
I ran into jonathan and he was so happy to see me.
all I thought was why doesnt Gavin love me like this?
jonathan cries when he hasnt seen me in a week hes so happy.
wow.
I want to be able to move on if need be.
its more sadness than I have pills for at the moment.
but also it gives me hope for the future.
I am not giveing up on Gavin.
I am not gonna embarrass myself infront of him either.
mabye than he wont feel the need to keep me hangin.
current mood:  sad
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, November 29th, 2006
|
|
4:17 pm - THE FUTURE
|
|
|
Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
|
|
12:13 pm - the prince of hell returns
|
today is the day that troy and Gavin come to visit,
i am VERY SCARED AND NERVOUS.
I have accepted a new scenario to help me cope with my strange and confusing reality.
gavin and I are not boy friends. gavin and troy are.
gavin and troy are visiting me as a couple.
I love gavin and I am pretty crushed on troy as well.
sure I am jeoulous but thats only becaus I havent rebounded yet from my relationship with gavin.
gavin and I are different creatures.
he has his support group and I have me.
and thats ok because me is stronger than ever.
I am a pillar of stregth and a house of stone.
I will be gentle and kind and I will aproach the situation as if it were new, because it is.
I spent my whole relationship with gavin competing with the world for his attention and it almost killed me. litteraly.
so I am no longer going to focus my energy and winning gavins hand over the worlds because I dont have the right to demand anybodys heart.
so I wont.
I will just be here. silent and content with myself and some day if gavin finnaly gets it he will come to me, hopefully it wont be to late.
someday mabye I will have a person with the drive to love me the way I am capable of loveing someone.
than again mabye I dont need anybody else at all.
I was never one of those people befor but I am loosing the emotional range of someone capable of being in a relatonship.
man I have been going through some touph times trying to understand how someone could say they want to spend the rest of there life with me when they
are never around.
and its not like hes off on a business trip no hes in another relationship.
and I need to move on.
but I wouldnt mind being close to him and hanging out. I dont mind hangin out with troy either in fact I kinda like it.
so whats the problem?
the fact is gavin isnt mature enouph to be expected to make the call so I have to.
you cant call me your bf unless you actually are sorry.
lol but the important thing is that I am not gonna be upset or resentfull because I have poored far to much energy into this relationship as it is and he has obviously moved on why shouldnt I?
but he still wants to be a part of my life but at this point him and troy are on eqeul footing with me.
they are both my two best friends. my only two friends right now (my friends that often ignore me because I am a spas) so I am on there court now but I dont have to be at there mercy I can just be there friend.
this could be fun.
I am sick of resenting gavin its makeing me physicly ill.
and I dont want to resent troy because gavin plays both sides against eachother.(probably not on purpose but whatever)
so yes I am a little angry but that doesnt matter because I dont owe anybody anything and I am ok with that. I feel better if I dont think that I am some how indebted to gavin because I dont owe him anything. and he doesnt owe me anything not anymore.
he made his life choices and he continus to make them. I am sure that If he ever really wanted to be with me that he would let me know by makeing the right choices and being the kinda bf I was to him. even though his memory of that seems slightly warpted. but should he ever get it there is room for a comeback but at this point it would be an uphill battle.
so I am still moveing to NOLA as planned gavin says he and troy are going to.
it will be nice to have friends nereby.
I am kinda excited about being single really single again.
it feels like I have been somehow chained to gavin even after we broke up but
sence we dont owe eachother anything anymore I can stay the course of self improvement without the guilt of IS gavin ok I hope hes not to sad! because for the first time sence I have known him he is fine, he is happy and he is fucntioning. How the hell can I compete with that?
we went through hell when we were together and gavin always threatened to go home constantly cheat on me punchted holes in the walls did his part to get us evicted from several apartments got addicted to crack broke three of my ribs. and never let me to close even when I begged.
three months away from me and poof ALL BETTER now hes with someone else and I get to see him when its convienent for his new bf to give him a ride (after the 4 or 5 others in that three months away boys and girls and anybody that likted him or told him he was pretty) so actually I am a little embarresed apparently everyone was right... it was me.
so he is better off and I should be to.
I am doing my best here.
I want to do the right thing.
up untill yesterday I had wanted gavin to somehow be a good boyfriend and come together and be there for me and make up for the two years of hell which untill recently I had blamned him for.
I relize now how unreasonable that is. it isnt fair to heap my expectatons on somebody who pulls away when I try to kiss him.
but still he says he wants me.
I think hes just keeping all his options open.
I am not an option anymore I am just a friend.
I will be here if he needs me though.
just not as his boyfriend, not anymore.
I cant wait forever.
but I can be the one to move on.
troy should be ok with this. for the first time he no longer has the fear of a possible deadline in the relationship with the person he loves.
and gavin is in a situation he can function in. the only one who needs to move on is me it looks like.
I am sorry I have been so immature.
I am sorry for almost everything I have written here looking back.
I have constructed a poor image of myself and some of the damage can never be repaired.
but I have been getting what I deserve for sometime now and its time for me to be real.
the only person thats gonna fix my life right now is me and I know that sounds corny but my way just isnt working anymore.
its time to do waht I know is right and I have to start training my brain to be real and not create webs of bullshit.
allie I would appreciate my dog back sometime if not I understand but if you ever read this just know that I needed a friend like her after I lost you and
gavin and everyone else.
I was going through a sad depressing time as I often have and songo was the only one there to feel my frustration.
my biggest regret is that I will never get to make it up to her.
if you want ill marry you and be your husband and buy a house for you and eat your enimys for you.
I was so close to trying to get with you and you didnt even know.
but thats ok cause you hate me now.
I dont know where this new future perspective will take me but ill know when I get there.
I know this is gonna be confusing to people but owell
SUBMIT SCUM!!!!!!
current music: DEATH CAB
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Monday, November 20th, 2006
|
|
10:17 am - the prince of hell
|
I have been letting go of my ego.
it seems I have fell from grace. I thought somehow that I would be saved but its not always about me.
the flames are getting hotter for this puppy,
I dont have enouph vanity to compete vanity is all for you babe.
all I ever wanted was you but I have been fighting everything and everyone for you even you.
I have silently taken offence and at great expence.
I thought I couldnt take anymore but theres always more room for you babe.
stab me in the heart and theres still room in it for you.
I could never escape from you.we know that were wrong for eachother but I dont care.
I paid for you with sweat and blood and tears and mysery and even if it kills me
I will have you because your mine.
you have the world but its never enouph.
all I had was you and you had the world but you stayed discontented its always about you and your comfort.
I have been edgeing away to preserve myself but I would rather just give in... for you babe its always about you and I dont care anymore.
so ill continue to wait for you like a sick puppy while your in everybody elses arms.
I am nurseing my wounds by myself. and even when youv had enouph you could always have more its always about you.
but thats ok with me.
thats why I want to love troy and thats why I want your family to like me.
I just want to be a part of your life but its never possible.
I am always waiting...
I need you to love me now more than ever but still I feel like I have to beg.
I wanted the three of us to get along I wanted troy to like me but I just fealt like I was the third wheel.
there is a way that you get close to him it looks so nice.
I havent fealt that from you in such a long time and when I reach for you you coil away and yet you seem so close to troy.
two things happened he told me he loved you and vise a versa and you told me that you thought he was just waiting for me to be out of the pic than he doesnt give you my messages you neck with him in a way that you wont with me.
you say because I am a jerk you dont feel like you can show me affection.
I am supposed to except that you want to be with me simply on your word alone and thats amounting to less and less.
for years I was seriously used and abused by you.
heres the thing though I dont care.
use me. I mean I want you to be healthy but I miss you.
I feel like I have been just waiting and waiting for you to come around.
yet you give your affection away to others which means that the problem is me.
so yes I have been an ass hole but its only cause I have been trying to seperate myself from you.
I have lost.
I could never just be accepted by your family like troy has been.
he is the one who gets to be in my place by your side and he is actually accepted by you and your family and you can suddenly fucntion.
I could never compete with that so I want to bow out but I cant.
so I will waist away and continue waiting for you to be able to be there again.
if troy feels comfortable I would love to have him around.
I dont mind shareing I mind being alone.
but troy it is never your place to protect Gavin from me.
I love you troy because I know you and I get you. and I respect you and I regret giveing you such a bad impression of me but theres alot more going on than you think here and I love you enouph to tell you that becomeing one of the people that tries to keep me from gavin reserves you the deepest sentiment of hatred I have in my whole soul so dont please cause I would rather love you.
if you want me out of your life just tell me and I will go away for ever
you could be happy but dont lead me on to keep from guilt because I will.
burn everything you own and love if you fuck with me.
I have been through to much I need my goddamn boyfriend but he is to damn busy.
well I hope this doesnt make me seem even crazier if it does o well I dont care.
am I so unloveble do I remind you of the part of yourself that you dont like?
do you just like to watch me beg.
let me know gavin because I dont have anythign else
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Friday, November 17th, 2006
|
|
2:23 pm - just words
|
It would seem that this has been a year of loss for me.
I have been stressing about all the things that have happened to me over the past two three years.
I had origannly intended to sit down and write them all out but I cant seem to bring myself to do that now.
I dont want to dwell in the negative but I am running out of good things and the truth of the matter is its all my fault.
I have caused everything that has happened to me.
songo, gavin,the storm(etc)
all were results of the misuse of magick.
I am responsible for all the horrible things that have happened to me for years now.
they are results of my actions and that is what I choose to believe.
I would like to apoligise first to songo whom I did hit on that occasion though not as I described. I fealt bad but it might have been hard to tell. Allie was right to take her from me because I didnt deserve her. and although there was a time that I treated that dog to well I have been in a dark place secretly conspiring against people I love.
I dont know who I am these days.
I am very childish in many ways.
so I apoligize next to Allie whom I love dearly, thank you for knowing when to step in.
to atom I hate you. you are a sack of scum and I hate everything that you represent and I hope your death is especially slow and painful.
preferably you would be chokeing on your own fecal matter in the basement of some psycho where nobody can hear you scream. yay.
to gavin the boy I love for teaching him one thing and than shunning him for it.
to troy whom I recently and needlesly attackted for no good reason (sorry) to all the people that I havent called.
to chip sorry that your such a dumbass that you would get my name tattoed onto your wrist.
to my grandparentts who will never read this sorry for ditching you in some small town and than never calling.
to my mother sorry...
to my job that I havent called or showed up to in a few days sorry.
to Q whom I can never really satisfy sorry for not being a robot like you. go ahead hate me it will just make my life harder.
I bring people into these situations and than I try to control everything and I am sorry.
I hereby officially apoligize for everything.
to dizzy sorry I plotted to kill you for years.
its because you refused to help me take over the world like you said you would.
I dont know what I am going to do now but I know that I am going to be actively trying to use my powers in a different way.
I dont need any friends which is good because I really dont have any, anymore.
I just want to go on record and say that everyones suspicions about me being awfull are completely correct and totaly founded in truth.
I like all this time I am getting to spend alone.
although I wish that I had cable sometimes.
jonathan is kinda shunning me it seems.
he wanted to see me last night but I ignored him because I was feeling a little depressed.
I feel like total trash.(haha atom says thats because you are) its hard to be me but at least I knew what I would get.
the truck is a disaster and I cant just get my money back.
troy said he was gonna look up something about a lemon law but they just sort of stopted talking to me and I cant blame them I dont have anything good to say.
mercury goes out of retrograde... well about a half hour ago and it should be on its way back towards us to restore the balance.
I concidered setting myself on fire last night to see if I could project a barrier.
I didnt because it was to cold out side although I guess I would have been warm enouph.
I am relizing that gavin is not the only one whos fuckted in the head.
I think its best I get away from here soon.
I think I am gonna pack up and just leave by myself.
Q seems quite sick of me and I would let him have the money or the truck or whatever I just wanna go.
I think I wanna desapear and not tell anybody where I am going, start over and purge this fucking sick feeling in my gut.
I just feel like life has gotten to complicated for me and I am done.
I feel like everybody is sick of me and thats my Q to leave. so I dont know how I am gonna do it or when but dont be surprised if you never see me again because I am done here.
I am so sad but I cant wait to be free and I know It will be the best thing for everybody involved.
I have been causing nothing but problems and I have been reduced to hideing and hopeing that nobody recognises me.
I know that it is the result of a curse that I myself cast onto others believe it or not I dont give a shit anymore.
so thank you all for your time and bye bye
current mood:  cynical
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Thursday, November 16th, 2006
|
|
2:10 pm - welcome to the jungle
|
I havent posted in a long time.
what to talk about.
well I bought a new truck with my roomate Q.
its pretty cool its a 1979 for ranger xtra cab.
it has an 86 engine in it though and it has two gas tanks to be extra sure that I am spending lots on the destruction of the enviroment.
I am smokeing alot and I recently put in my two weeks at johnny rockets.
life sure is swell.
I tried to go see gavin yesterday and that was a mess fucking truck died on me.
I spent most of the time working on the truck in less than pleasant weather conditions.
I have been feeling jeolous of the fact that gavin never has to be alone and I always do.
I am starting to resent my life a little and when I heard that gavin and troy
were going to new orleans first I fealt like I was being cheated out of something.
I didnt go into work at all today and I didnt even call in.
I am sitting i the auriface wearing a wig so nobody will notice me.
I give up on the whole happiness thing for right now.
in time I will be fine.
i get to drive the truck if I can find the second title that I lost.
I just really need someone to hang out with and talk to right now and gavin is just not gonna hear it, and jonathan is kinda giveing me the cold shoulder.
q is just to hard to talk to and I dont really have alot else going on people wise.
so I will go into hideing for a while.
yes that sounds lovely.
anyway ill post if anything more interesting happens.
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Friday, September 1st, 2006
|
|
12:37 pm - woman for woman
|
today was the hearing for the restaining order that allie had placed on me.
she acted very afraid and cleverly played on the fear that she had of me and insited that we handle the matter of songo in court.
the judge has allowed her to keep the dog for now.
I wanted to cry and scream in frustration. what kind of fuckted up country do we live in that when you steel someones dog you have the right to keep it?
what really bothers me the most is the fact that the only reason allie is even doing this is because she wants to get back at me!
I have done nothing but take care of that dog and we were so happy together.
sure she can be frustating but I love her and I dont beat her.
my lawyer says that he didnt think I would get her back today anyway because its a matter of personal property and todays hearing was about the restraining order.
I am not nearly done yet though.
heres what else my lawyer has to say.
"takeing songo under false pretence is a crime even if she thought she had the right to.
second even if allie thought I was being abusive to the dog she still would have to go through animal protective services to get custody of her and that means that an inspector would have to come and determine that the enviroment was bad for songo also she can be prosicuted for lying to the vet clinic that she works for unfortunatly I could also get in trouble for that sence I was aware of it.
my lawyer says that I will definently get the dog back based on the evidence I have and alli screwed herself by stating that the dog was ever mine.
and sence songo isnt just mine but gavins as well we can both sue her for emotinal distress theft of property and possibly slander of charecter ( still unsure on that one)
what allie dosnt relize also is that I have all of her old emails from when she was telling me that she wanted to kill herself because of me and she often threatens me and tells me she hates me wich acording to my lawyer is pivotal because it proves that allie had an abnormal fixation with me that led to her wanting to take revenge.
today she pretended to be afraid of me yet the only record of physicle altercations was when she attackted me and for what you ask?
for wakeing her up rudely she also \had the audacity to say that she has seen me beet songo, but how can you have witnessed something that never actually happened.
if allie had half a brain she would relize that this is not going to work well for her or her fat tomato of a father. ( seriously he was very red in court today I wonder if acholism is finally catching up with him) but who cares i seriously just want my dog back.
and to the little pissant that said the court will lauph at me obviously has no fucking clue what goes on in a court proceding and also is to much of a clammy pussy to post his (or her) name.
to you sir or madam i can only say that strong words mean very little if you dont have the courage to stand by them you should work on that assertiveness pussy.
I solemly swear that I will have songo back and she will go with me to neworleans and allie will suffer for her crime.
today she painted me as a monster. tomorow I might just be one.
I have never and will never physicly harm allie becaus as much as I think I hate her today I felt a softness for her in court. part of me still loves allie but after this I dont think I will ever talk to her again.
and here is my meanigless confession... I had always secretly planned to marry her and have children with her.
what the hell was I thinking?
now she will never be apart of my life ever ever again.
allie if you have any decency you will return what you know is mine, I know that you know that songo and I were happy together and as much as you like her I must have her back.
I wanted nothing more but for her to be healthy and I cried hystericly when I found out she had heartworms and I am so happy that she is going to be ok. thank you.
and off the record if anything should go wrong in court and for some bizzare reason I never get to see the love of my life again (songo not you) just promice that you will never let her go never give her away never let her be cold or have to sleep anywhere but with you always make sure that she can play and be happy and keep her to hers or your death dont send her off with someone i dont know. because as much as I hate you I know that songo is happy when she is with you just dont get sick of her because at least when I know she is with you she is at least safe and if you have to get rid of her for any reason call me and I will peacefully come and get her.
in the meantime give her a hug and a kiss for me because I sure wish that I could.
damn you allie damn you for doing this.
and that day we fought you didnt just slap me you jumpted on me and started punching me.
isnt it ironic that you can put a restraining order on me when your the only one of us that has been violent. thats america! you can also keep possetion of the dog that you took from me.
but allie i promice you that I have always taken good care of songo and after I get her back you will be able to see her again I promice becaus I wont do to you what you did to me. but I will get her back one way or another.
current mood: aggravated
|
|
(6 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
|
|
1:29 pm - errrr!!!
|
allie thinks that my legal trouble in wa prevents me from being able to take legal action to get my dog back.
thats to bad for her.
I just got finished talking to two verry nice officers that were very polite but mostly usless sence this has become a civil matter.
I have been takeing the time to gather evidence and witnesses to reclaime songo.
luckily I had just talen her to the clinic to get her shopts and I have pictures of her.
now I am talking to a lawyer and what allie doesnt relize is that I am not just suing her for possetion of my dog but I am also suing for emotional distress theft of property and of course the cour fees.
to think she could have made 1200 dollars and instead its going to cost her much more than that.
allie also forgets that songo is not just my dog and even though she has manipulated the system to make herself look like the hero she is a thief a liar and really quit desperate and lonely.
she just wanted to have a dog at her new house with her friend big but if she really wants to have a dog I am sure she can raise her own.
if I were really mean to songo whe wouldnt be as happy as she has been.
and if I didnt like her I would have gotten rid of her but instead I have fought to keep heer.
I relize there is a retraining order against me but you cant keep me from my dog.
its unfortunate for allie that it has had to come to me suing her but she brought it upon herself. now if youl excuse me I have to try calling allies dad again.
|
|
(6 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Monday, August 28th, 2006
|
|
9:38 pm - the pig
|
I dont think I have felt so utterly frustrated with any one person.
allie has always tested me but I didnt think she would ever go this far.
I dont know why I am surprised, shes really doing what I probably would have done.
part of me thinks about what type of life songo would have with allie in olympia.
but I know that what she did was wrong and I know that songo is happy with me and the bond we have goes deep and I would give my life for hers and she would eat befor me.
I hate how I feel right now. I am always so angry and confused and frustrated.
I hope I get her back.
I plan on calling the police but I dont know how far that will get me.
I have plenty of things to prove that songo was mine but I dont know how far allie will go.
she was my friend but she was never really my friend.
I might have been her boyfriend if she werent such a whore.
I dont understand how she thiks she can just take someones dog away from them and just not call them and think thats the end of it.
how is that ok?
so allie heres my proposition. ill give you 600 dollars for songo now and 600 later just to say thanks for everything. if it werent for you I probably would have had to pay about that much anyway for her heart worms. the moneys yours and ill give it to you through adam if thats what you want. and you have my promice that i will never ever hit or even yell loudly at songo again.
even when she deystroys an entire apartment I will smile and give her a treat.
and you will be 1200 dollars richer and have full (supervised) visitation
and I will be your friend and everything will be fine again.
I cant stop stareing at songos giant bone and I have no big puppy to sleep with.
and muroku just meows all night and walks around looking for songo the puppy he has lived with for a year.
ill even let songo visit again if you want just please please please give me back my dog.
gavin are you just gonna stand by and watch as your dog is stolen by allie.
your dad was a cop cant you do something. JESUS I AM GOING FUCKING INSANE!
anyway think about it allie. I have wed and thur off if you wanna meet somewhere that would be great thanks.
current mood: crazy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Thursday, August 24th, 2006
|
|
7:13 pm - the newest
|
that last entry was me being dramatic I did not seriously beat my puppy
in fact I miss her very much and I want her back very badly.
I am not really an evil self centered peson you see and I dont really have much of a drinking problem.
I make it all up for attention and reaction.
you people think I would actually beat my puppy?
I was just trying to be sadistic becaus I was upset at her for deystroying my house.
so please keep all the hate mail to youselves please.
I pulled that dog out of flood water and i will fight for her and I will win.
but afterward allie will be lucky to be a part of my life.
I got promoted at work and now I have to start wearing a tie.
its not really a promotion actually but I will be makeing a little more money I guess.
I havent talkted to gavin in a while but everyone else has I am sure.
I dont read his live journal because i dont want to be connected to what he is feeling but dizzy says he stopted posting anyway.
livejournal has been my downfall and I cant say I wont switch to myspace.
I am doing alot better than I let on.
I guess thats becaus I am so used to being miserable.
I am thinking about new orleans again.
everything reminds me of new orleans and I feel compelled to be there.
I know some of my entrys make me look evil but I always just write what I am feeling and I make things up and I say things to try and make people react but do not take them so seriously because I dont.
the truth is I love most people and most things and if anything I am connected to animals.
so I am sorry if i offendedd anybody but I am seriously going to to take legal action to get my dog back if thats what it takes.
dont make me do that allie.
gavin your depressing coment about hopeing you have a puppy left seems to me like you still think your entitled to half of her.
I relize I have an amazeing dog but that dog was destined to me and I will do anythign to keep her.
I should just be able to have her but that cunt allie denzler stole her from me with a lie and adam
says I will only get her back if i move to olympia.
but heres what you guys dont understand I will have my dog back no matter what.
I need her and If you are smart you will just give her back to me if not you will suffer the coseqences of those actions.
I have to check my email now and delete all of the hatemail I get for being evil and self centered.
its the price I pay for being me.
anyway I dont think I have alot going for me but the truth of the matter is I do.
in rouply three weeks I may be flying a friend up for a visit from southern cali.
I could sike her out though and instead fly to new orleans and visit mabye set up and apartment deal.
I plan on moveing back to hells asshole thats right a hurricane floating corpses and a skin condition that haunts me to this day arent enouph to keep me away from taht place.
the place where both my dog and my cat were born and rescued by me!
and amazingly the have been acounted as the most loveing animals anybody has ever met.
I trained them that way through beatings of course.
anyway that wsas over a year ago and of course theres my other dog that lived some eight years and no matter how many times I was told I couldnt keep them I fought tooth and nail for them
and they have been happy for a long time.
I drove those animals across the damn country and almost fought the national gaurd when I was told to leave them.
I will slap the shit out of allie if she thinks she can just walk off with my dog.
I need songo with me when I return to new orleans.
she is my best friend everyday I dont have her is like a panic atack.
give her back...
or else...
current mood: aggravated
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Friday, July 21st, 2006
|
|
11:34 pm - MY HANDS ARE SORE FROM BEATING A PUPPY
|
SO ...
LONG CONVERSATION WITH GAVIN LEAVES ME QUISTIONING MY SANITY WALKING AROUND JUST LOOKING
FOR SOMEONE TO EAT.
i DRANK A FORTY :D NOW i AM DRIKING COFFEE SITTING HERE THINKING ABOUT HOW i BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF MY POOR DEFENCLESS PUPPY TODAY BECAUSE i WAS SO FED UP WITH HER.
KInDA TRAGIC i KNOW BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE ITS NOT SO TRAGIC TO ME.
I think people underestimate me.
I think I make sence only to those that are themselves already lost but that is what is so tragic about me.
I feel kind of angry all the time and I drink alot more.
I am starting to lash out at people and hurt them.
it could be because I havent smokted a cigerrete all week.
\7 whole days without my best friend and automatic death enhancer and or excelerater
our dear friend smoky treat.
I figured if that peice of shit friend slash fiend would care to invite me to whatever he is planning for his birthday I would love to attendbecause I love him and his bright happy auro. ( shapted like a pussy in a bear suit).
jonathan and I have been getting along well but i dont tink he trusts me just yet which id fine because I have no need for such trivial things as they do ot apply to the master plan.
it would seem that anybody who spends and extended period of time with me just goes from normalicy to insanity faster that a porche reaches 60.
I think it might be time for me to try to follow the voice of the demon agian.
i am sorry yall its not my fault its his turn in the cylcle that I am enslaved to as as horrible monstersome of you will feel it but as of now hes only killed a pair of insane rats.
alli makes animals insane and its her fault that I had to sock my puppy in the head and kick her and through her across the room.
she went crazy it was her own fault
and yet I knew as I was doing it that...
1, I might be seriously injuring my puppy
i did it anyway.
watch out worl my blood is burning...
current mood: angry
|
|
(6 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
|
|
9:06 am - saucer full of monkeys
|
so alot has happened sence that last entry.
jonathan and I are friends again and gavin and I are talking a little more often
work is ok, I was supposed to go and get my food handlers permit today but I was late and the class filled up befor I could get there.
fuck me running.
my room looks awsome (kinda) and I think its turnng into ne of the best spaces I have occupied in a long time.
i slepted in my room for the second time sence I have lived there and it felt ok.
my stomach hurts because I am not getting enouph booze.
and the world is a tragic place for monkeys.
gavin has a live journal. its hard to read because it feels to tragic and makes me feel to many emotions that I am trying to avoid right now in order to fucntion. arghh!!!
life as a pirate is ok though.
right now I want 3 things.
1, a new mode of transportation
2, more toys
3, another pair of shoes
otherwise I am doing fine.
I dont have as much time As I would like to have these days but on the same hand I dont have enouph money to do what I want and there surely is no compromise.
I know everybody wants more out of me right now but I am just not willing to give it because I am being selfish.
something I dearly miss being and am only now remembering how truly good at it I can be and everybody should be good at something shouldnt they?
I have alot of self discovery to catch up on becaus I have been dramaticly set back in my own personal journey to wrappted up in other peoples garbage to relize that I was drowning.
I think Q has a lj to but he has never mentioned it becaus he doesnt want me to read it mabye.
I dont know what to do but i should probably get off the comp because I think my half hour is up
current mood:  busy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
|
|
11:16 am - hahahahahahahaha
|
its so funny its so terribly funny!
thank you universe thank you thank you!
I love how you just keep um coming!
not only do you find it funny to give gavin a 3500 dollar check right after I break up with him after he fucks me over or rather gets fuckted ( over what I dont know) but you teese me with jonathan the boy who had ferocious sex with me and good times and drinks and lauphs and the person that made me feel as if I actualy had something to offer someone besides total emotional support and sex serviceing.
I think about what I do and I disgust myself with my own stupid patterns.
I plague myself with madness just to keep myself preocupied from reality.
fuck this. I want the things you say to mean something.
I feel really frustratd.......
I dont need anybody I dont need anything. I will find my comfort in myself alone and I will lash out at those who try to get to close.
I was reminded of nick with jonathans strange I am not really attracted to you hot cold bull shit.
once again I have been used for my penis.
damn why do I have to have a huge uncircumsised penis.
it just overwhelms people and makes them insane.
people arent attracted to me as a person there attracted to my torso and penis even in gavins latest entry he describes my penis as if it were a seperate entity from myself.
a god that apparently he felt to unworhty to be penetrated by.
but dont worry I got sloppy second but on the bright side I didnt have to use as much lube because some thoughtful stranger befor me had thought to leave some stil applied to the loose quivering lips of what was already my ex boyfriends anus of newly opened love.
yay fuck yall this fires gonna burn a little hotter now...
I know the little monster is feeding on all of this and probably causing it as well.
we are all over whelmned wiht madness.
|
|
(7 comments | comment on this)
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
talonsfury20's journal
